The day which I felt odd – 06052005
I went to KTV and lunch with a group of friends of mine from NIE the day before. Somehow or rather, I feel that I am being so detached from them. The two girls there were dressed in branded from top to toe and one of them even carries a authentic Gucci bag. Haha… I guess I can only see those in shops or I can see a lot of fake ones around. I am not a snob, but I can’t help but realise the difference between me and them. Their bag and pay for everything I am wearing and maybe 3 to 4 times the amount of clothes on me. As we were shopping around, they went into gold jewellery shops to browse at diamonds and gold. Well, I can only browse in sliver shops I guess. Am I in envy or what, I am not envying them really but rather, I feel that I cannot be with them or something like that, I mean I am different from them and maybe for the first time I sense the status disparity between me and them. Is there truth in that there is no such thing as a elite class? Boy is that lying man, the only thing I can do is to save up. But do I really want to become like that? I cannot lie but say that I yearn to have their class or their beauty but can I really spend so much on material things? Seriously, I do not think I can because I do not want to throw my money away. But I do yearn to be looked up and more importantly, I yearned to be beautiful and have styles like them. This is so hard. Sometimes I really do not know what I am saying anymore, one of them whom I will call Cathy; she told me that I had low self esteem. Maybe that is why I want to look pretty but on the other hand, who doesn’t want to look good?
I also had my first sadness at KTV. I was usually looked up to when I go KTV as I can sing somewhat. But yesterday, the other gal can sing much better than me. Arm actually told her to take over me n sing. BOY!! I was darn depressed but I hope that I did not show it on the surface though. I am really sad, the only thing that I can gain recognition for is no more. How can I not be sad? Maybe this is a self confidence issue, but I really yearn to be known to be good for something. This is too bad. Hahaha the downfall of the KTV cheongster!!